Soul Sick
by Tricia4
Summary: A post Bargaining/Heartthrob rewrite....B/A


Soul Sick 

Soul Sick 

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brI stumbled through my bedroom door and collapsed on the nearest chair. We had quite the adventure tonight, Wes, Gunn and I. The Zinoc Demons that Cordy had seen in her vision were difficult to track, apparently they had the ability to dematerialize at will. Luckily for us, Gunn was able to wound one of then and the others wouldn't leave the fallen demon. Loyal demons, well, I can't say I haven't seen that before. We were able to dispatch them after a prolonged and bloody battle. We didn't come away unscathed though, Gunn is hurt badly. I believe that Wesley got him to the hospital in time. My car is covered in him and my demon's urges are making my soul sick. I'm so hungry. The ravenous cravings of my nature are pronounced tonight. The claws that thrust into my shoulder created a gaping wound that has bled freely. No matter how reluctant the soul is, I must feed soon. br 

brThe mostly desolate fridge is of little consolation tonight. I take what I must to survive, but something is crying out for more. I see flashes of intimate embraces in death and embraces of necessity. The images cloud my mind and they begin to meld into one another, all save one. Thoughts of slayer ambrosia drift about in my mind. Buffy. Her name comes out of me in a delicate sigh. I lay back on my bed and close my eyes. My mate, my love, she is bound to me by heart, love and blood. It always comes back to the blood for me. Her sweet liquor flowing down my throat, I didn't want it, but everything in me took it down greedily. She healed me in more ways than one. My Buffy.br 

brI have hidden my devastating grief from my friends. They could never understand how deeply an immortal loves. The front that I'm putting up is to protect these humans from my rage and my loss; they would never survive the full brunt of it. I didn't feed for weeks at the monastery, didn't bathe, didn't do anything but lay in a corner and cry the tears of eternity lost. It was only when the stench of blood and the decay of rotting bodies began to permeate the grounds that I was alerted to the demon problem surrounding me. I fought the monks and did my "duty". It's all I have left. Yes, I have friends, but I know my obsessions hurt them deeply last year. This time I'll deal with it quietly and internally. This is between Buffy and I. This is different, this is about love.br 

brI can feel her touch on my skin. Delicate strength, deliver me into your heavenly hands. Whenever her feather touch caressed my cheek or landed a punishing blow, we were complete. Complete only in the act of being together. We were two parts of one whole returning home. Bliss was the act that lost my soul, for the joining of two soulmates is the most powerful of forces. In that moment, I was absolutely human and complete. Then I was gone. So this is the ironic twist of my unlife, I am back and the sunshine is gone from me forever. I will never smell her sweet scent again. I will never run trembling fingers through her golden hair. Her sparkling pools of green are lost to me forever. Her wit, her intellect, her unique outlook on life, all left this world with her gift to us. br 

brThe motions of everyday life continue, I told her that once. I smile more in order to comfort my companions. They must believe that if I smile, I will be okay. Why can't they see that isn't normal? I'm dying inside. I fight, in memory of her strength and power. I allow Cordelia to "take care of me". It gives her some measure of comfort and pacifies her that I won't walk into the morning sun. I understand the visions are taxing, another thing that is my fault. She should not be burdened with living the horrors that I must eradicate. I think she is seeking comfort more than I am. I can smell the sorrow and pain on her. I'm not here though as she gives me a brief hug, I am with her. I am always with Buffy. br 

brI awake with a start. I run shaky hands through my hair and gasp for unneeded air. I am accustomed to nightmares; they are my daily visitors. I haven't had to relive my second birth in years though. The fright, the panic, the desperate fight to get out of my deathbed is so real to me. Climbing and clawing through the damp earth, I break to the surface. My hands are bloodied and I can barely see, everything is so dark. This is different, I'm alone and there is no raging hunger driving me. All that I feel is fear and confusion. This isn't my experience, what is this? Then I see it, the tombstone, through her blurry eyes. Buffy Anne Summers. What have they done? I don't understand how this is possible. Is she alive? Did I just share her rebirth in my mind? Is this a figment of my damaged imagination? br 

brThe knock comes to my door. Cordelia stand before me pale and drawn. The pain radiates off of her in waves. "Sunnydale, now", she states matter of factly. I hear something about demon bikers and a destroyed Sunnydale, as I fling myself down the stairs with all the preternatural speed I can muster. "I saw someone who looks like Buffy. I don't know what that means but she needs help", Cordy shouted from the top of the stairs. I flash her a concerned look and was on the road before the door shut behind me. br 

brMemories flood my mind. "Its Buffy". Willow clutching me to her chest, mumbling. "I'm so sorry Angel, she loved you so much, always. I don't know how we'll survive without her. I'd bring her back if I could". My undead heart jumps in my chest. Willow did this. Her words echo in my head a thousand times. " I'd bring her back if I could". Willow has somehow raised the dead. Three lifetimes of experience flash through my mind. What did she bring back? Could it be the real Buffy? Everything in my mind screams that it has to be a zombie or a monster of some sort. Please don't let me have to kill her. Tears begin to roll down my cheeks. Everything in my heart and soul starts to sing that it must be her, she has returned and the sun will shine again. br 

brI drive into Sunnydale and all I can see is carnage. The Plymouth slides to a stop and I jump into the fray, slicing and destroying demons all around me. I move quickly, letting my nature out for the battle. Taking on a life of it's own, my body performs of it's own accord. I register a few humans in the area and pray they stay out of the way. A Buffy-like scent washes over me. A motorcycle blows by the street corner where I'm beheading a biker demon. My vampiric senses scream that is my childe. "Spike, it must be Spike", I whisper as I impale the demon approaching me from the rear. It then occurs to me that I smelled something like Buffy, "Dawn". br 

brI make progress further into town, near the shops that are being looted. Demons all around me fall to my blade. I drive deeper into the fight, letting the vampire in me rage as he once did so many years ago. Blood flows, limbs fly and limp bodies are left behind me. An instinctual pull is driving me on like a homing beacon. I find myself surrounded by six of these creatures and I launch myself at them. Something crackles in my head and the familiar tingle returns. "Buffy", I scream out as one of the bikers knocks me to the ground. Looking around frantically, I realize that all but one of the demons is dead on the ground. I trip the final demon and hack its torso in half without a glance. I stand and close my eyes for a moment, letting my senses take over. The vampire is screaming for blood, for it's mate. The soul can't hope to dream it is true. There it is again, the tingle, the awareness, the knowing. I open my eyes and turn, "Its Buffy". br 

brShe is cowering in front of me, a dirt covered vision. I smell her blood and the demon within knows that I've found her. I take a step toward her and she lashes out in a primal fury. She recognizes me for what I am, a vampire. The slayer in her is simply reacting to instinct. I block and duck and do my best to not hurt her. She is a whirlwind of power and beauty, and it is only love that prevents me from fearing for my life. She wobbles for a moment in the heels that Dawn must have picked out for her. I take the moment to snatch her arms and pull her to me. I breathe in the scent; yes this is my love. She struggles frantically in my embrace, clawing, tearing and grunting at me. She isn't at peak strength; I can sense her weakness from the ordeal. I know the fear and confusion she has gone through. I grasp her tighter, pulling her to my chest. She is not herself at the moment, but she is still my Buffy. My soul is singing now that I'm touching my other half. This is no demon, no zombie. This is Buffy, my beloved Buffy. I speak her name softly and she looks up at me with wide and terrified eyes. She struggles a moment more and I soothe her. "Shhhh my love, I'll help you". Buffy ceases to move, looking up at me. I see the recognition wash over her features. A gentle touch to my cheek, the welcoming warmth returns and she whispers, "This can't be hell, I was sure it was, but they'd never keep you in hell my Angel". She flings herself deeper into my arms and cries out heartwrenching sobs. Clutching her to me, I whisper calming words and ease us to the ground. I hold her tightly, as if she might vanish if I let go. The fear and confusion rush out of her in great tears and anguish. She mutters incoherently about the portal, the light, and the key. She doesn't understand where her peace went. Looking up at me once more, she gazes deeply into my eyes. She grasps my face in both of her tiny, bloodied hands. Tears fall down my face as I pull her closer still. " Buffy, you are everything to me, please know that. It's selfish of me, but I'm so happy you are back. Do you understand? I was nothing without you. I was an empty shell going through the motions". I take her hand and place it to my trembling lips and then lay it over my long dead heart. " You own this my love. My soul and yours are elements of forever, let me help you. Let me love you again.". She reaches for me and slowly presses a kiss to my lips, never taking her eyes from mine. "Angel, is this real", she whimpers so low that I almost can't hear. "Of course my love. I was sent back to help you and that is what I intend to do. I don't know exactly how this has happened but I'm going to find out and help you heal. You'll never be alone again, I promise. I don't have the answers, but I know that as long as we are together we can face any challenge. All of my life, I have been led to you, and with you is where I will stay". She is still crying, but the arms clutching my neck are like a vice. br 

brI hold her like this for a long time. Her even breathing tells me that she has drifted off to sleep. I rise and carry her toward her home. The lights are on when I arrive on the doorstep. Dawn opens the door before I can knock and immediately tells me to come in. The look of incredulity on her face is burned into my memory. I raise a finger to my lips, urging everyone to keep it down. Settling myself on the couch, I cradle Buffy in my arms and absently sooth her matted hair. The gang is all here, save for Giles. Willow comes over and touches Buffy gently as tears stream down her face. Everyone is crying, but they are tears of joy. They gather around her and bathe in the pure energy radiating from this slayer. Willow whispers in my mind that we need to talk. I lay Buffy down and tuck an afghan around her. We move the group into the kitchen. Willow begins by telling me what happened. I can't believe what these young people have been through in the past year. I explain in turn that Cordy had a vision about this and that I feel the powers are trying to set me back on my original track, which is to stand by the slayer's side. Xander is strangely quiet, but he is not berating me so I'll count that as an approval. Dawn hugs me from the side and I gather her up and hug her back. I know that she isn't supposed to be real, but she sure feels like a little sister to me and I love her. It is agreed that I'll stay here with the "family" for the time being. Big decisions will have to be made about permanent living arrangements. I'm sure some commuting will be involved, but I will not leave Buffy's side. Between the two of us, and our respective friends, the hellmouth and LA will be safer than ever. It would seem that we have all grown up a great deal, and I think that Buffy's life will be full of love and laughter again very soon. br 

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